Why dating is like buying a pair of red velvet shoes
She was freaking out when she told me, he said. Her ‘manfriend,’ as she called him, had posted one age on his match.com profile- and now, after several months of dating, she had found out that he was a good ten years older than she had thought. She no longer trusts him! My friend gossiped, yet, she dated him. Why, I asked. Well, he has all his teeth, my informant told me snickering. We had a good chuckle about that—although I felt slightly unkind thereafter. But it got me thinking about dating, match.com, and mismatched love.
My mother has a theory about love that involves a wonderful shoe metaphor. Christine, she tells me. Marriage is like buying a great pair of shoes. If you get a pair that pinch slightly… or if the heel is a half inch higher than you are used to, well, even if they are the most beautiful color and succulent, Italian leather, you will still be limping about by early afternoon. Conversely, she continues, a good man is like a pair of comfy slippers. You put those puppies on your feet and you just think—golly, I wanna wear these to work, to happy hour… all day!
It’s a great metaphor and one I apply willing as a rule of thumb to my own dating life. I have also used it to successfully advise at least one couple, now engaged. To return to the unfortunate and untrusting woman-friend, I wonder if a different shoe metaphor could help her.
I am a self-confessed internet dater. Confessing that I actually dated off of craigslist.com—when it was still safe to do so, might age me. I’ve also used match.com and some of their new spin-offs that claim to be more long-term romance oriented. And I used these sites with an open and willing heart and mind; my sister met and married off of Catholic match.com and I figured that is was as good as any other way to meet someone. But I am no longer quite so sure about that.
I had many good dates, and an “almost relationship”. But more than that, I had awkward, not-quite-it dates. I have since decided that internet dating doesn’t work… for me. It may work for other people, but for me, internet dating is like looking for a pair of blue, velvet high heels.
Indulge me in this metaphor: you have a party to go to. You have an outrageous blue, lace dress, and you decide that the only thing you need to complete this incredible, 80′s-throwback party outfit is a pair of dark blue, velvet, 3 inch heels with a t-strap fastening. So you go out to hunt for them. You hit downtown. Uptown. Vintage stores. The Mall. Boutiques. Macy’s… but no dark blue, velvet, 3 inch heels with a t-strap fastening to be found. Panic sets in: the party is in less than three hours! So what do you do? You buy the next best thing. Perhaps they are blue three-inch heels, but patent leather. Or, you find blue velvet flats. Or perhaps you can’t find blue at all…and settle for black velvet heels.
Now—the corollary. Let’s say you are out for a nice, easy, Saturday stroll. You are walking happily along when out of the corner of your eye you see them. Red, velvet shoes! Now, you had never before realized that red velvet shoes could look so good. In fact, they look… really, really goooood. And you realize… you have to have them. You rush into the store, try them on, and… WOW. They are perfect. They will go with all of this season’s cocktail length party dresses. And they would even look great with jeans. You buy them. You are thrilled. You parade around with your red velvet shoes, and show them off to anyone who is willing to indulge the story.
The morale of this shoe metaphor is this: internet dating, to me, is like shopping with a purpose. You create a list of criteria in your head and look for someone to fulfill it. When you can’t find your hyper-idealized mate, you settle. Or at least, in your head you are settling. But settling is never a good way to begin a relationship. The shoes pinch. He lies about his age. You don’t trust him.
Conversely, when you are bopping around in your ordinary, everyday life and happen upon an awesome guy—well, what a catch! What a find! Suddenly the world sings out and it seems as if everything has conspired for you to meet this man who you never imagined would make you so happy.
Me? I am currently happy not internet dating. And these red, velvet shoes I am wearing? Purrrrrrr…. They fit just dandy.
spot on girl. another thing, it does make you crazy picky. its like if i met some cute girl like the net girls, but not on the net, birds would be singing. but since you “shopped” for it, your always thinking there are better bargains. and when you do find something good, it never feels right. well, almost never…thats the post script to this: maybe the shoes become perfect AFTER you buy them.
what does the fact that i have to use dictionary.com (what the heck does corollary mean?!) to make it through your post say about me? don’t answer.
loved the post. love you. you’re brillant. can’t wait to see you soon.
Even if you are carefull in your shopping list, things can go terribly wrong. You need to keep in mind that there is a lot of that in dating networks. Also when a man just won’t accept no as an answer… Makes things terrible.